Sorry. Every movie you've ever loved is going to be remade.

It was the 2019 Pet Sematary that finally broke me. Was this really necessary? I seethed in a theater earlier this year, at a loss for why anyone would green light a self-serious update to a 30-year-old so-bad-it's-good movie. "Update," even, was generous; apart from a more realistic cat, a different dead kid, and the switch from celluloid to a digital camera, there was really nothing "new" about the new Pet Sematary. Why, I rhetorically implored the cinema gods, does this even...